Painted on the side of a crosstown London bus: “People are gay. Get over it.” I like this sentiment – the whole idea.
It works for other situations as well. I mean, couldn’t the word “gay” be substituted with another word of one’s choosing? Say, for example, “People are plaid” or “People are closed-minded” or maybe “People are Hungarian”.
Oh, oh…how about “People are judgmental”?
The idea is to “get over” having an issue with the way other people are. The ability – it’s really a willingness or decision – to do this, is a freeing concept. It’s a wonderful sentiment which can only lead to a person feeling peaceful and being compassionate and kind.
Driving alone this morning on my way to the running trail, I was again thinking about a recent situation my husband and I have experienced at my daughter’s school. Essentially, it involves a parent volunteer (I’ll call her “Cynthia”) who was very rude and unethical, and a principal and board member who have no time or desire to address such issues. The school is an independent charter school which declares itself “parent-run”. This sounds nice, right? Parents come in and work in the classrooms, help with school site maintenance, handle supervision & work in the snack shack. Fine.
The situation I’m referring to relates to Cynthia acting as a liaison with local businesses, in this case ours, for providing products to the kids on a weekly basis, such as refreshments. Cynthia approached my husband and me at orientation a few weeks ago, and we discussed what would be included and the price for the items. When their first order came in, the items ordered were not what was agreed upon, so we attempted to clarify & work out a solution. However, during this process Cynthia became rude and refused to allow my husband to speak at one point, telling him “I don’t have to listen to you”. He was shocked at her words, thinking they sounded more like what a little child would say. She then behaved completely unethically, secretly going to a competitor to supply the agreed upon items, and firing us at the last minute.
When we approached the principal of the school to ask for some help, she would have nothing to do with this issue, since she “does not handle anything relating to parent volunteers”. She put us in touch with the appropriate board member – also a parent volunteer. When speaking with this man, he told us he would “look into it”, but he asked no questions of us. Instead, he said he had a full time job as an emergency responder, but would talk with his administrator (the aforementioned principal) about the situation. More than a week has passed since this conversation, and it seems obvious nothing will be done about the way we were treated or the lost contract for our business.
In trying to wrap my mind around this, I want so much to not feel angry or bitter toward Cynthia. Likewise I don’t want to take on the entire Un-Administration of the school about this. What result would that bring? It’s a small environment and my daughter is doing well there. She feels happy in the classrooms, surrounded by familiar faces and teachers who are making a big effort toward her success.
Still, I’m thinking about the woman, how I see her after school many days, standing with other parents or even teachers. She’s usually the person doing the talking. When she speaks, she doesn’t smile at all. She seems serious – even frowning and unhappy. She gestures a lot, animatedly, shaking her head in knowing exasperation, with the person she’s talking to commiserating with her.
Last week, sitting on a bench, while I was waiting for my daughter, she was just a few feet away, talking with another parent. I could hear small pieces of her conversation. It was about someone’s divorce. There were two or three kids hovering around her and the other parent. She would occasionally put her hand on the head or shoulder of a child as she talked. When this was happening, I had mixed impulses. Part of me wanted to walk up to her and confront her – even kick her! I wanted to tell her that she had been unkind and remind her that her words and behavior affect other people. And part of me wanted to quietly get up and move away from her and hope she had no idea who I was or who my daughter was. I wanted to have no contact with her and no association with her. As I sat there on the bench, I reminded myself that neither of those options would be the right choice at that moment.
A few times in the last week or so, I’ve been driving behind her or have pulled up next to her when dropping off or picking up kids. She has several children who attend the charter school, so she is there quite a bit. When I see her, I wonder if she makes the connection and knows who I am. I wonder if I should say something to her. I think about how it’s not fair that she should go through her days, treating people badly, being frowny, angry and bitter, having been handed the liaison responsibility from the school when she should have earned it through ability and aptitude. After all, a “parent-run” school must still be run well, right?
As I said, these thoughts have been with me for more than a week now. Hey! Wait a minute. These thoughts have been with ME for more than a week! That completely stinks! I don’t want to be frowny, angry or bitter.
On the other hand, isn’t Cynthia suffering too in her own way? The more I really think about it, the more I can empathize with what she might be going through. At the very least, I know what it feels like to be given a job to do, with lots of people depending on the outcome. I am well aware of what it feels like to be angry, to say something to another person that is unkind and to make mistakes that I can’t undo. Maybe she feels she had no other options. Maybe she wishes she didn’t have to see ME at the school? Whatever the case, the only thing truly within my control is my own response & behavior.
Buddhist Boot Camp (a completely wonderful site & now a completely wonderful book) posted a great quote this morning. It seems appropriate here:
“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” —Robert Brault
What if those moments of rude, angry words and behavior hadn’t happened? The point is, I can choose to move forward as if they did NOT happen at all. If I am able to do that, then MY moments will immediately become peaceful and focused, rather than filled with angst and frustration at something that is in the past and cannot be changed. In effect, I think I will “just forget it”.
It could be said that speaking your mind and truth is the only appropriate way to go in these situations. I would add that speaking your mind and truth IS appropriate if the result you want doesn’t necessarily include your own inner peace. That is something you must give to yourself.
Angry Buddha's Blog 