ZEPHA JANE LOGAN SHIRLEY

January 4, 1924 – March 28, 2014

Our mom passed away on Friday.  She was 90 years old.  Maybe she wasn’t literally YOUR mom, but she may as well have been.  She was perhaps a difficult woman to describe, since some would say she wanted to keep to herself, never go anywhere, not really call up and invite you over.  Yet you were always welcome in her home.  Going out to visit relatives or friends was simply not her thing, especially in later years.  But when it came to helping people – particularly her children, doing the very best she could do, and putting herself in the shoes of others, she was the Queen.  On any given day during my childhood, I can recall coming in from outside with friends in tow to get the needed Band-Aid, drink of water, or forbidden kitchen utensil for using in  the yard.  We’d smell the aromas of dinner on the stove and immediately know she’d made enough for our friends to stay too, especially if she thought that friend had any difficulties at home.  It was just who she was.  That “stay for dinner” hospitality was the tip of the iceberg, and it never went away.

Born in Bakersfield in 1924, she was the daughter of Benjamin Hayes Logan and Lillian Helena Allred.  She grew up with six older siblings: Ben, Hughene, Russell, Isabel, Don and Matt.  A younger sister, Chloene, died shortly after birth.  As you might expect, times were not easy during the 20’s and 30’s.  The pantry was more-than-sparse a lot of the time. But Mom has always described those as some of the times she felt the most respect for her mother and felt closest to her dad.  He worked hard, along with her brothers, doing millwork and laboring wherever possible to take care of the family.  Some of her happiest memories were spent hiking around the woodsy trails near their home.  In her early teens, the family lived in a small cabin-like house on Horse Mountain, now called “Little Horse Mountain”, in Mendocino County, where there was a lumber mill.  She has, many times, described this as her favorite place on earth, where she rode her horse to school, could watch the snow fall on the pines from her bedroom window, and could dig in the dirt to her heart’s content.  

While living in Chico, she worked as a nut processor at Tri-Co and then Continental Nut.  In 1945 she married Ralph Wallace Shirley.  She and Dad made their homes in a few places, primarily in California, including up north in Montague, and locally in Chico.  They had four children by birth: Ralph David, Janet Lynn, Ben Allen, and Lorna Patrice, but  loved and cared for so many others by way of welcoming them as part of the family.  

Mom remained married to Dad until he left this earth suddenly, and of his own doing, leaving a variety of problems behind.  She handled them with grace, amid a wash of personal turmoil, overcoming incredible obstacles, and moving forward, all the while maintaining stability and providing nurturing love to her kids.  Having been out of the workforce for many years, she returned to school, learned a foreign language, and obtained her teaching certificate.  This enabled her to work as a Teacher’s Assistant with Migrant Head Start and become a Spanish ESL instructor.  She bought a home and continued to help and support her kids; one who was very young and some who were fully grown, as they handled life’s challenges and pains.  

…And then there are the grandkids…and great-grandkids!  No one was ever as lucky as the grandchildren of this lady.  She couldn’t wait to show them the blooms of a tiny teacup rose, teach them how to plant a seed in the dirt, or the right way to tie a towel into a superhero cape. Her gift was her time and undivided attention as she listened to every syllable of a school day story, every tiny magical sound.  Each scribble made on the back of a magazine or scrap of paper became her favorite work of refrigerator art.  Her family, including kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, nieces, nephews, has always been the most treasured part of her heart.

Throughout her life, her favorite hobby has been gardening and planting flowers to make the house and yard bright and beautiful in the spring and summer.  Regardless of her address, she could turn any space, indoors or out, into something pleasant and homey with a variety of bulbs, succulents, seasonal flowers and vines growing just about anywhere.  Her trademark was pots, flower beds, planters, and shrubs scattered throughout the yard, as well as rosebushes making it smell just wonderful!  Wherever she lived, she managed to create gardens that would make you want to wander and spend time outside, or take a trip to the nursery to start your own batch of Shasta daisies.  But you’d never need to do that – she’d give you some clippings to take home, ‘cause that’s just how happy she’d be that you want to make your own garden.  There was a time when you couldn’t go to her house without leaving with a small vase or hand-wrapped bunch of clipped flowers.  It was amazing!

She gave her best to her kids and family and put no importance on material possessions or money.  She chose instead to spend her time enjoying her people and the peace  of her home and garden.  She loved listening to old cowpoke songs, pan flute music and the occasional Bob Marley tune (talk about diversity!) and sitting down with any of her loved ones for a good gab session and a hot cup of coffee.  Her simple philosophy and strength in times of difficulty have been an inspiration for others, myself included, for decades. 

Mom lived her life with the attitude that you should “do what you can” and don’t worry about the rest.   Not a bad outlook if you ask me.

Every shrub I plant, every seed I sow, each trowel full of dirt turned in my yard; 

when there are hummingbirds buzzing past overhead, zipping to the flowers; 

when the roses are heavy with blooms, I’ll smile to myself.  

I love this because of you, Mom.

FUNERAL SERVICES:

Per her wishes, no formal services are planned.

An informal, family-friendly Remembrance gathering is planned for Saturday, April 12th at 2:00 p.m. at Terry Ashe Recreation Center

6626 Skyway in Paradise, CA

All are welcome.  Please join us for food, music, family and friends. 

“Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”

― Dalai Lama XIV

Starting out today, after what some would consider a pretty crappy night (a cornucopia of female and other niggling physical issues seeming to conspire against me), I was thinking about what really matters. (Lemme guess. You’re doing an exaggerated eye roll to yourself right now, about to click the “back” button or the little “x” in the top corner of the screen, thinking to yourself, “Get over yourself. I don’t want to read another word about what really matters right now. I’m self-aware, I already KNOW what really matters”.

Okay. So click. But know this: You’ll miss the part where I reveal the secret phrase that gets you the 7% discount at local carnivals and fairs and you won’t get that superiority complex you’ve been needing the last few weeks.

If you’re still here, kudos to you. (No…”kudos to you” is NOT the secret phrase.) Suffice it to say, I could easily have decided that today was going to continue in the “crappy” category. I mean, why not? I got very little sleep, my body is rebelling against me in many ways, and there are always plenty of things to be upset about. But this morning, instead of going down that well-worn, bare dirt path that looked so uninviting, I decided to get my behind out of bed once again, make myself some ugly cowboy coffee, and move forward into at least the kitchen.

I pulled my clothes on, moved through the motions of getting ready to be the mom/wife/chief cook & bottle washer, despite the physical things going on with me and the nagging mental messages which were trying to make their way round my brain. Some of them included words like “you could just get Dan out of bed”, “he slept and you didn’t (what a jerk for that)” and of course, “why does everything have to happen all at once to ME?”  Yeah.  It’s all about me.  Right.

AVOIDANCE/ADDICTION BEHAVIOR 101:  I picked up my phone and connected momentarily to the rest of the world. Just for a minute. I was NOT neglecting my kids or anyone else in the house. I swear. I just wanted to see a glimpse of the familiar blue banner at the top of the screen, reassuring me that Facebook was still alive and well and ruling the social world. (It was.) I just wanted to check my email to see if the (refurbished, of course) iPad I had ordered was still making its way to me as quickly as possible. (It was.) I just wanted to make sure that I had added “buy dog food” to my to-do list. (I had.) But as I clicked around in my apps before leaving the dark quiet of my bedroom, for some reason I selected the “News” button on the internet app. And then I read the damn thing.

Suddenly scrolling before my eyes was reality from other parts of the world. Some of it not too far from me. I was staring straight into the lives of those who REALLY knew what it meant to spend the night – and life- in pain, worried about what was going to greet them each sunset and sunrise. Fires, war, radiation, a missing child…The bad stuff, the negativity, the scary, ugly, gut-wrenching, tear-jerking, sad things that make you want to brick yourself into your house with a 40-year supply of Costco rations, fuel and ammo…how can a person go on with all that being “out there”? More to the point: How can I get up, go out there to my kids, smile and tell them everything is alright? How can this world still be good, with all of this awful stuff happening in it? How?

Here’s how: Each moment that you breathe in and out in peace, each day that you put your best effort (or any effort) toward NOT being the war, toward not proliferating negativity, and toward NOT harming others is a moment, a day, that changes the reality. Every opportunity you take to turn your face to the light and encourage others to do the same, or pause just a moment to think about the struggle someone else might have, or where he or she might be coming from; every single thing you do, big or small, that isn’t solely for your own betterment, is another chink in the armor of the crappy knights of the world. (Okay, there’s the secret phrase for you…)

So…I turned off the news.

I went to the kitchen. I made coffee. Strong, ugly cowboy coffee.

Then I went to the rooms of my beautiful, sleeping kids so that I could wake them with kisses myself. I paused for a moment, just long enough to think about what an incredible day this would be. I pulled up the blinds in my youngest daughter’s room to let in the sunlight and talk about what the temperature was going to be: warm and sunny. I told her we could do her hair together and then make breakfast.  My oldest daughter was already awake & gave me a sleepy “Hi Momma” from her bed.  Her face was soft and serene in the filtered light.  I could not even remember why I had thought about staying in bed and asking someone else to take my place this morning.

Yeah, I made coffee first, before waking the kids. Don’t judge me.

And now, for one of my favorite sentiments from one of my favorite people:

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever” —Gandhi

…they don’t take you everywhere.

The saying goes something like this, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Sometimes, even if you feel that you have all of those things, your heart still hurts. There’s no way around it; there’s only a path through the middle of the painful collection of moments.

But if you can keep your head about you and those states of mind somewhere nearby, sort of like a handy reference for your consciousness, your pain will gradually ease.

WHY? Why are other people living the life I want to live? What’s that? Huh? What’re you saying to me? There’s no one to blame but myself? I should what? Get up off my whuh???

I’m ready. Come on! Let’s REALLY  “throw the Country A through K rack out on the street….” (to quote one of my favorite John Cusack movies). Except no Virgin Megastore for us. Been there, done that and it no longer serves us.

It’s a scary proposition to leave the crowd, venture away from the large armada of ships in a tiny little boat.  But then again you might see and do amazing things.

Life is yes.

I really LOVE this time of year. It’s exciting to get ready for Christmas. It’s a tradition that’s both beautiful and fun, and it makes you feel like all is right with the world. My family, especially my kids, make it perfect every year, with their attitude and enthusiasm, regardless of what’s under our tree. It’s the season of generosity…UNLESS YOU’RE A RETAILER OPENING AT A RIDICULOUS HOUR;  A TIME WHEN PEOPLE COULD BE HOME WITH THEIR FAMILIES OR DOING SOMETHING OTHER THAN SEEKING THE ULTIMATE MATERIAL ITEM IMPORTED FROM CHINA!

Nope. If you’re a retailer, maybe with a name like Big Bob’s (a popular electronics store), then it’s the season of “Who cares about family? Let’s draw in the customer to squeeze every last dollar out of him (or her, as the case may be) at the expense of potential quality time at home – or anywhere else.”

It’s not that I won’t be setting foot inside a store or making a retail purchase – maybe even from one of the big name shops. There are some cool things out there that are fun to have and I admit to getting caught up in the marketing. I mean, okay, I now have a dang iPhone.

But think about what would happen if stores did NOT begin their sales on Thanksgiving or at 4:00 a.m. on the Friday after Thanksgiving (I’m not going to say the words…it’s not a color, and that term refers to tragic day, so I’m not calling it that…) Anyway, I’m simply offering this: Thanksgiving, like any holiday, gives everyone – customers, corporations (who are really just clumps of people), and employees, the opportunity to spend time together, doing….whatever it is that people do. Hopefully that is not camping out on a sidewalk in a torrential rainstorm for days at a time, in order to purchase an item at a discounted price. The money you save is not worth the time you’re missing with other human beings or the other positive things you could be doing. And trust me, there’s no way that cash will be enough to cover even a co-payment for your medical bills. That’s assuming you have good insurance. But if you have the time to sit in a line for days at a time, perhaps good insurance is not on your list of “got its”. Hmmm….well, then….

On a more positive note, below are some suggestions as a counter-offer to my somewhat acrid statements. Please know I mean no offense. After all, as I said, I know I’ll buy stuff this holiday season. I’m just trying not to buy EVERYTHING!

When I feel I’m losing perspective, I would like to say I think of how His Holiness The Dalai Lama lives, in a Spartan existence, keeping others’ needs in mind in the big picture. But I’m not that good. So when that escapes me, I think of what Stephen Wright (or maybe it was George Carlin?) once said,

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

Not-So-Retail Gift Ideas

The following items will help keep dollars local/domestic, as well as support the ideal that the fabric of family and community is important – more important than most other things:

• Personal art or crafts made by the giver
• Vintage, collectible, antique items (My personal favorites in Chico are Wax Museum Records & Collectibles inside 8th & Main Antiques &  also Endless Treasures Antiques/Boutique, 530 Broadway in Chico)
• Hand-crafted or locally produced items (Try Made in Chico or Made In Paradise)
• A personally-written letter, poem or heartfelt note (This has an amazing effect – it’s my favorite.)
• Framed photographs – landscapes, loved ones, even snapshots are great! (Traci Williams Photography can be found at http://www.traciwilliamsphotography.com. She is amazing, local & completely affordable!!!)
• Something homemade from the kitchen!

Please try to ENJOY your time each day during this season.  It is beautiful out there.  Thanks for reading.

Namaste